But after ~ 6 months at the latest, everybody but Bishop Mixta expects you to have interests other than baby, and to actively seek out opportunities to get into grown-up company. If women are apologetic, it’s more likely about not managing to secure day-care so they can get back to their jobs at least a day a week.

As to being harassed by others (mothers), I’m not. Apparently, I’m either fortunate enough that we understand each other, or I don’t experience the guilt necessary for it to be worth while to others (or, there aren’t a LOT of mothers in my fandom). The other moms I deal with understand its an escape. And perhaps we’re ‘feminist’ enough to understand that its in our best interests to support one another. We’ve enough in our group, writers, artists, women who aren’t married, don’t want to be, aren’t considered ‘hot’ enough for guys to date, are lesbians, have college degrees, are women of color–each one of us in my group make our own money and don’t live in our parents’ ‘basement’ (or our spouses’) to be considered ‘enlightened’ fans. Maybe that’s why we don’t feel the need to rip each other apart; understanding the reasons WHY we are IN our particular fandom, so we can just get to the business of enjoying our fandom and socializing.

That being said, I want to just gently point to one part of your comment: invested enough in their future that they wouldn’t sacrifice it for the sake of reproduction and point out what you’re saying here. If my piece was meant to talk about anything it is that I dislike a system that not only creates beliefs that there are only two options (reproduction or life beyond kids [it's kinda a Death or Cake scenario when put like that *g*]) but also sets itself up so that effectively it fulfills that very dichotomy. You go on to say unless perhaps a “parenting cooperative” were formed. Let’s think about that: we have a world that has managed warp drive, beaming technology and food replicators yet would still tell people that having kids is synonymous with not having a career (and an investment in their future…)?

One last point (yes, I’ll shut up after that, but you know how verbose I am :): I don’t like kids in fanfic all that much either. I read fic mostly to not think for a little bit about what to cook for dinner, when what school activity’s due, and whether I need to wash school uniforms or we’re good for another day. The mundanity of my quotidian life is exactly what i do not want to read about. But I certainly defend the rights of other fans to do so (either because they lack it or because they’re working through and/or want to see mirrored their own realities). I have this entire theory about extended childhoods and refutation of what is traditionally considered adulthood that includes lack of kids in most of our beloved characters but also lack of day to day responsibilities (Rodney doesn’t fix supper but neither does Mulder or Dean!). [And on a complete tangent, I wonder whether in the XF episode Monday the groundhog effect is mirroring/mirrored in the fact that we're dealing with the mundane central event of depositing a check (that's what Scully was doing, right?)]. Throw in some Edelman and thought on reproduction and futurity and … I’m shutting up now :)

Not to derail from the topic at hand, which is an excellent post, Kristina. I’ve seen this sentiment outside geekdom; on Ravelry I’ve got a lot of friends who are mothers, and who’ve said they struggle with the perception both IRL and online that they shouldn’t be focusing on interests outside their children. Sometimes I wonder if it’s self-policing, if the people telling them these things are also wanting to continue with free-time interests and mirroring their discontent.

Personally, as a person without children, I think it’s probably good for one’s sanity overall and for one’s kids, to have other outlets, but that’s observation, not experience.

As a childfree woman and a member of several online childfree communities, I see this everywhere. My own brother has called me “selfish” for not wanting children (although, since he was about 15 at the time, I dismiss this as immaturity — now that he’s 24, his opinion might have changed). My mother is horrendously disappointed and doesn’t bother to hide it. I’ve had a fellow student in a Women’s Psychology class exclaim that “all women want babies, it’s an instinct!” after I admitted to not wanting children. (I managed to argue her into reconsidering! So mark down one small victory for the childfree.)

I’ve recently been hanging out in the Star Trek: Reboot kinkmeme, and I’ve stopped because — high on the list of reasons, anyway — of the sheer weight of mpreg and kidfic prompts. It’s like being beaten over the head with the message: Children are a necessary component of happiness; disinterest in children cannot be found in good characters. If a character is turned into a child, the other(s) must be amazing caregivers and not resent having “babysitter” appended to their job description. If a character becomes pregant, he/she must welcome the impending burden despite its origin — which is frequently a one night stand, or rape/other dubious-consent circumstances (sex pollen, mysterious alien tech, etc.). Or, if they are so foolish as to get rid of it, by any means (including adoption!), they must be guilt-wracked and traumatised by their own callousness.

Apparently, the Enterprise, despite being chock-full of young, ambitious, driven Starfleet officers who are just beginning their careers, does not have a single crew member who is happy enough in their achievement and invested enough in their future that they wouldn’t sacrifice it for the sake of reproduction. (Since I’m pretty sure the Enterprise doesn’t have a daycare center on board, and I hope small children would not be allowed at duty stations, there’s no way a crew member could have a child and still maintain the same working hours as before, unless perhaps a “parenting cooperative” were formed.)

Of course there’s some wonderful work on the fannish nature of academia and high brow fandoms but there’s also Matt Hills’ important reproach to not fall into the trap of seeing similarities that we are imposing ourselves.

*throws up hands* I wish I had answers :)

Most often this comes from fellow women. Usually mothers themselves who are clearly not selfish, that’s why they don’t do things like gaming, opensource contributing, hackfests, and going out with friends for a beer.

I saw this unfold at a Girl Geek Dinner – a significant group of such opinion holders joined together to attack the speaker who had just delivered an excellent talk on represenation of genders in gaming. The attackers asked her where she found time, ending the question with “don’t you have a life” – further questions included how much time she spent with her kids (she doesn’t have any!), followed by what she did instead to make up for gaming – you can apparently only indulge in selfish activities like computer and gaming if you spend many many more hours doing something selfless like babysitting your neice.