Re-post: Self-confidence tricks
Some days, things are going to get you down, and it’s really helpful to have someone who can cheer you up. People who believe in you and what you’re doing can help you through a lot of rough patches, including crises of self confidence in geeky fields. Constructive criticism can be great, but you also need the odd pep talk and some people who are willing to be really positive. And just like cheerleaders are often very talented athletes, you’re going to need some very talented people on your cheerleading team: people who can fairly judge your abilities and whose opinions you’ll actually believe when they say that you’re awesome. They don’t have to know everything about your geeky field, but they have to know enough about you to make some good judgments.
You may already have your cheerleaders among your existing friends, but one additional problem for geeky women is that they’re often surrounded by companions who think you’re hot and who have… other motives behind the compliments. This means cheerleading can quickly become icky. Not cool.
If this is a concern for you, consider looking for some extra cheerleading help from other communities. Women’s groups, especially, tend consider being supportive part of their charter (and often have rules against hitting on their members!) Some examples: Systers for women in technology, Linuxchix for women in linux and open source development… if you don’t know where to find such a community, ask on Geek Feminism and we’ll try to help you out, or maybe hook you up with other people who want to start such a community. Even if you don’t think you need access to such a community, you may be surprised by how much fun it is to have more people to interact with. And don’t think of it as a write-only relationship: hearing other people’s stories and getting to cheer them on is actually quite fun and rewarding.
Celebrate your accomplishments
Research has shown that women don’t promote themselves as much as they should. (If you want to learn about this, I highly recommend you read Women Don’t Ask!) This leaves us (and other shy folk) at a disadvantage because people around us may not realize and recognize how awesome we are. Even if you’re too shy to tell anyone but your cheerleading squad, give it a shot. And remember that some communities even explicitly encourage this, so you aren’t necessarily going to be out of place: Linuxchix, for example, encourages people to do “horn tootin’” posts where they celebrate neat things they’ve accomplished: a new job, a working system, a neat solution, achieving inbox zero, or even the first day your daughter sleeps through the night. Don’t feel you should only celebrate “big” milestones: if you do something that matters to you at all, allow yourself some time to brag.
You’ve got to remember to balance here: bad things happen, but if your cheerleading squad only hears from you when things are rough, it’s going to be harder for them to bring up examples later. So make sure they hear the good as well as the bad. I don’t know about you, but I find when I sit down and think about it there’s usually more good than bad.
Talking and writing about your accomplishments not only makes them more widely known, but also gives you practice expressing yourself… so not only are you advertising your awesomeness, you’re actually becoming more awesome in the process. How’s that for an extra ego-boost?
Don’t forget to be awesome
Just before I went in to do my proposal defence last week, my little sister sent me a text message that told me I had permission to be awesome. And when I asked her for advice on writing this post, she said I should give you all permission to be awesome too. It’s really hard to be down about yourself or your accomplishments when you’re too busy being awesome: that is, actually learning and doing the things that you want to do. It’s a bit circular: But if you can let go of self-confidence issues long enough to do cool stuff, then doing cool stuff will help you let go of self-confidence issues because you’ll have more examples of your awesomeness right there.
So go forth and be awesome!
Page 2 of 2 | Previous page
Waquo:
December 27th, 2010 at 9:20 am
Learned optimism is a concept I first learned about from Reg Braithwaite: https://github.com/raganwald/homoiconic/blob/master/2009-05-01/optimism.md
Go ahead and read it, he’s a better writer than me.
The basic idea is that optimism and pessimism are patterns of thought along three axes:
personal – impersonal
general – specific
permanent – temporary
When failing at a certain task, typical pessimistic thoughts are:
I am too stupid (personal), I don’t know anything (general), I will never be good at this (permanent).
Optimism would look like this:
The question was ambiguous (impersonal), I don’t know enough about this topic (specific), I can try harder and do better next time (temporary).
The crucial insight is that these thought patterns are largely habitual. We are less rational than we think we are.
Changing habits is not easy, but it can be done. Start by reflecting on your thoughts to recognize pessimistic patterns. When you catch yourself being pessimistic, examine the facts and assess rationally whether your pessimism is rational or habitual. Discard habitual pessimism.
Realize that pessimism is only useful when failure is expensive. When failure is cheap, pessimism is just a recipe for missed opportunities. Optimism becomes the rational choice, so just go ahead and try.
PS: For positive thought the axes are reversed, so it is pessimistic to regard good things as not about you (impersonal), limited in scope/importance (specific) and temporary.
ConFigures:
December 27th, 2010 at 10:41 am
Waquo, thanks very much for the summary/introduction and link.
Waquo:
December 27th, 2010 at 11:48 am
The original question contains a fine example of irrational pessimism:
“From a scientific perspective, I demand proof: what evidence is there I can do this?”
If failure is costly, this is a rational. You don’t want to wrap your car around a tree because you thought you’re an excellent drunk driver.
Most of the time though, failing is not a big deal and being a pessimist who doesn’t even try a losing strategy.
Jayn:
December 27th, 2010 at 2:59 pm
One trick I learned years ago (and it did help) is to try and stop yourself from saying negative things. I used to have a habit of calling myself dumb and the like. I started trying to stop myself from saying them, and eventually they stopped even coming to mind. My self-esteem improved as well.
It’s amazing sometimes, the effects small things can have.
zorbitrol:
January 3rd, 2011 at 5:56 pm
Rock on, sister!!!