“I was crippled by Impostor Syndrome”: One woman’s story

This is one woman’s anonymous story about Impostor Syndrome and how it affected her geek career. It ultimately caused her to drop out of a profession she loved due to lack of confidence in her abilities, when by all objective accounts she was exceptionally skilled. This story will ring true for many women in geek fields.

If you are having similar problems (fear of being exposed, feeling like a fraud, lack of self-confidence), you’re not alone! Please read about Impostor Syndrome on the Geek Feminism wiki. If you have any tips on overcoming it, please edit the wiki page!

I don’t recall how I first came across the Wikipedia entry for Impostor Syndrome (IS). I do however clearly recall the massive lightbulb that went off and the feeling of finally having a name to describe this ‘weirdness’ I’d always felt. There were other identifiers for various kinds of weirdness I’d always possessed. Gifted kid. Asperger’s Syndrome. A nameless combination of both with a variety of checklist characteristics.

IS was something else entirely. The more I read about it, the more I realised it was exactly why I’d felt so afraid and self conscious to further my career, to ‘do more’. I’d say it pretty much ruined my career prospects and further debilitated me.

My love for computers began when I was nine. I’m almost forty now and from the time I got my first computer I knew I was going to work in that field. I eventually earned a bachelors degree in a computing discipline and I was set to make that my path in life. I felt my degree was a waste of time and I only scored highly in the subjects that interested me. I walked out of there being mostly self taught.

During my university studies I worked on the help desk in the campus computer labs. I was one of a few females and I soon earned a reputation for being both the friendliest and most knowledgeable. Students and academic staff would specially request I assist them. Strangely, I didn’t take that as a compliment. I just believed they were mistaken, for the work I was doing was just standard help desk stuff. I felt uncomfortable that I was seen as the go-to person for technical problems. And I thought they were all just being nice because they felt guilty saying the nice friendly girl was actually quite clueless.

After graduating, I got a job as a junior network administrator. My employer wanted more females in the technical departments so I could not accept that I was hired for my technical skill, despite my supportive boss telling me how well I performed in the interview and how good I was in the job. Within a week, I was given more senior duties and earned the reputation for being the new go-to person. I found this stressful– I had to prove myself not only as a new employee, but also as one who quickly gained the reputation for knowing my stuff and sharing that knowledge with others. My co-workers in the tech offices had a reputation for being a little abrupt so I told myself I was only the new go-to person because I was approachable and liked to help people.

I learned a lot during my time at this organisation and earned a good reputation with many of the clients who would specifically ask for me when they had technical enquiries. I wrote a lot of documentation so that our help desk staff could become a little more self sufficient as they were frustrated that they didn’t have the knowledge to deal with some of the more technical queries. One day, they asked me to conduct a workshop to help them deal with the more difficult technical problems. I was hit with a feeling of dread and that I would be exposed as a charlatan. I gave the workshop and then I was asked a question I couldn’t answer. In hindsight, it was no big deal, I just didn’t have enough information to give a concrete answer. Back then though, I felt incredibly small and stupid and like everyone had just seen that I wasn’t worthy of the praise they had given me for my good work.

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